The Feeling Inside
by gina101
Summary: A short story about different feelings and how they can change your whole life...
1. Chapter 1

The Feeling Inside.

Chapter 1

_The feeling inside. What is it? Is it sorrow, happiness, guilt? Nobody knows. It touches us all in some way, it comes in many forms be it sorrow or happiness. It touched me with guilt. Exactly two years ago, something happened to me. A few things actually. The feeling inside isn't just one feeling, it's many, many different ones that leave you feeling confused. It left me feeling like an empty shell. Something happened to me two years ago, something which I am now still paying for. I have lost two years of my life because of one person and many different feelings. Feelings of guilt over something that I let happen. Here's where it all started….._

"Buffy come down here." Joyce shouted to her young blonde daughter.

"Coming mom." Buffy skipped down the stairs and into her mom's arms. Joyce spun her around and platted her long golden locks of hair.

"Mummy, why do I have to go?" asked six year old Buffy.

"Because you're a big girl now Buffy, you have to go to school." Joyce explained.

"But I don't want to go mummy." Buffy moaned.

"you have to go, now come on Buffy get in the car or you will be late." Joyce pattered her daughters back and watched her jump into the passenger side of the car.

"They grow up so fast." Joyce smiled, grabbed her keys and went to drive her daughter to school.

_The next few years of my life weren't really that important. I grew up with a strong relationship with my mother and kept that relationship. However, when I was fourteen, mom started acting different, weird even. On my fifteenth birthday, mom brought home a guy, Rupert Giles. He was very well mannered, well dressed and mom liked him, so I guess that meant I liked him too. That soon changed, it wasn't as if he was nasty to my mom or anything like that, he treated her very well, spoilt her even. They would often come in late at night laughing and joking together, that wasn't the bad part, I really liked seeing my mom happy. It was the fact that he kept my mom form me. I hardly ever saw her when she was with him. I remembered one Friday night; Friday's were always movie nights with us, and it had been that way for ever._

_Instead of staying in with me she went out with him, I didn't mind that happening once, but it happened more than once. _

"Hey mom, I rented 'shadow puppets'." Buffy said walking into her mom's bedroom. Joyce was stood in front of the mirror putting in some fancy earrings. She turned around to face Buffy.

"How do I look?" she was wearing a black dress, with sleeves, that came just below the knees.

"A little bit too well dressed to be staying in and watching a movie." Buffy replied with a look of confusion on her face.

"Oh Buffy, didn't I tell you? Rupee got us tickets for the opera. Last minute tickets from his work and all.

Buffy looked disappointed.

"Is it okay if I go honey?" Joyce asked.

Buffy nodded, "go."

"I'll be home late, don't wait up." Joyce kissed Buffy on the cheek and left.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_I hope you see what I'm talking about now. I grew up with such a close relationship with my mom. And now, some guy was going to ruin that. I know I just sound like a typical teenager who didn't like her mom's new boyfriend; well that's how it started out. But if you knew what happened to me the next few years of my life, you'd feel the guilt I'd felt. You may want to try and tell me it wasn't my fault, someone else did, but it was. Anyway, when I was sixteen, mom sprung something on me, something that changed my life forever._

"Buffy." Joyce said as Buffy walked in through the door when she returned home from school that day. In the living room, Joyce was sat very close to Giles and they had big smiles on their faces.

"Sit down. We have something exciting to tell you." Buffy's mom said with a wide grin on her face.

"What is it mom?" Buffy asked sitting opposite the loving couple, she could have gagged by the way he had his hands on her mom. She kept her face normal.

"Why don't you tell her Rupee?" Joyce suggested.

"Very well, me and your mom, we're getting married."

_When thye broke that news to me my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe it, and not in the good way either. I didn't know why at the time, but I really didn't like this guy. I couldn't let mom know I wasn't happy about it though, if I did that then I would be being selfish, so I kept my mouth shut. I wanted my mom to be happy so much, she deserved it so much; she had raised me single handily. Brought me into this world even. You see, I never knew my dad. Apparently he died the day I was born, how ironic is that. Mom told me that when she had gone into labour with me, dad had been at work. He had rushed to the hospital, just to see me being brought into this world. He crashed on his way to the hospital. So, I guess it's fair enough to say that I killed him, just by being born. I should have never been brought into this world, I cause too much damage. You may think that when I tell you what happened later on, it wasn't my fault; truth is I could have stopped it. But I didn't. Therefore it must have been my fault right? See, that feeling inside again, guilt. _

"Buffy, grab that box please." Giles shouted to Buffy through the window. Buffy went to the car boot and grabbed the large brown cardboard box and shut the boot. She struggled to carry it into the house. When she reached the front door she dropped the box.

"Shit." She cursed under her breath.

"Watch your mouth young lady." Giles said creeping out of the shadows. He looked at the box lying on the floor.

"They were valuables, fragile."

"I'm sorry, it slipped." Buffy said closing the front door behind her.

"They wasn't yours to drop." Giles seemed to be getting very close to Buffy, "now you must pay," the old man took his glasses off and placed them on the table. Buffy flinched when he ripped off his belt. She knew what punishment he had in mind for her, she fell to her knees and sobbed.

_I'm sure you can guess what happened next. Going through that was terrible, the stuff he made me do the stuff he did to me. I guess it was my fault though, I dropped the box. He told me afterwards that he punishing me like that meant he loved me. I was confused at first, how could you hurt someone you claim to love? Then I realised, pain is a part of love. That's why he did what he did, because he loved me. I see that now, back then I didn't, maybe it was because I was a stubborn teenager. Every night since then he came into my bedroom and proved his love for me. I never consented, except on the odd occasion where I was too tired to try and fight him off. I never screamed out for mom, she would hate me if she ever found out. I was scared and felt guilty because he was my mom's husband. Sometimes I would let him touch me under the table at dinner, the whole time the guilt never left me._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Buffy woke up that morning in a cold sweat. She threw back the quilts and pulled up her PJ bottoms. She was glad he had left her alone for once, since her mom worked nights Buffy would often wake up to him at the side of her. She could feel him breathing on the back of her neck, it made her cringe. She picked up some clothes,, made her way to the bathroom and turned on the shower. She undressed quickly and jumped into the cubicle. The water immediately hit her and ran down her face, tears soon followed.

_The way he touched me made my skin crawl, how could I keep letting him do this to me? How could I have driven such a gentlemen to that act of evil? I couldn't believe I was capable of something like that. him punishing me wasn't enough, I had to be punished more. I didn't mean to at first of course. I was just shaving and ended up cutting myself with my razor. It was a small cut, but hurt so much. I stood there and watched the blood fall form my leg and cover the cubicle floor. I was in a trance. How could so much hurt come from one tiny cut? Then I realised, one tiny cut wasn't enough. I had to do it more. I picked up my razor and began slicing it through the flesh on my arm. They weren't deep; I never went that far, they were just deep enough to let all the bad out. It felt so good after the first few times that I did it more and more, every night after dinner. After the first time I quickly got dressed and stared at the marks I had made. A smile appeared on my face, I felt so good about myself. The feeling of guilt was still there after the first time, that's why I carried on._

Buffy walked down stairs and into the kitchen. She was feeling a little light headed from the blood loss she had just experienced. Sitting down on one of the stools, she poured herself a glass of orange juice; she tensed up when Giles walked into the kitchen. He stared hungrily at his prey, and then smiled.

"Your mum's still in bed, I'll be taking you to school today." He said in his creepy English accent.

* * *

Sitting in his car, Buffy held onto the edge of the chair and remained tensed. All the way to school, Giles gave her that creepy look and sometimes even touched her leg. She couldn't do nothing more than just sit there tensed up and holding on to the seat for life. When outside her school, Buffy leaped out of the car, not even waiting for it to stop fully.

* * *

Inside the school Buffy felt safe, sort of. She was finally away from him, even if it was just a few hours she was glad of that, she just dreaded going home that night knowing her mom was working.

She made her way to her locker, opened it and gently placed some un-needed books inside.

"Buffy." An English accent spoke and placed a hand on her shoulder; Buffy jumped around and fell back into her locker. Her heart skipped a beat.

"Easy there tiger." The person in front of her smirked. "You okay pet?" it was William Wray, the hottest guy in school, also known as Spike to his friends. Buffy soon found her breathing again.

She nodded in response to his question before saying, "William, what's up?"

"Call me Spike."

"Okay, Spike." They both smiled.

"Listen, Buffy, I kinda need help." He paused then leaned in closer, "Art." He said.

"Oh, you need tutoring?" Buffy said sounding almost disappointed, she should have known that would have been the only reason a popular guy would want to talk to her.

"Yeah, and I heard your pretty good at art, so I thought you could help." Buffy blushed.

"Okay, when and where?"

"My house, Erm… tonight?" Buffy thought about it a moment, '_Giles is the only one home tonight'_ she thought, and then quickly nodded.

"Sure."

"Cool, meet me in the school car park after school." Buffy nodded, Spike leaned in closer and planted a kiss on her cheek. Buffy smiled as she watched the bleached blonde walk away, and held her cheek.

_At the end of the day I met up with Spike in the car park. We walked to his house which was just around the corner. He took me up to his bedroom and asked me to discuss Leonardo Di Vinci's work and draw some stuff in the way Di Vinci did. I spoke while he listened, well I thought he listened, his mind seemed to be elsewhere._

"Are you listening to me?" Buffy asked.

"Maybe," Spike smirked, "you're really great at drawing."

"Thanks, but maybe you should listen, and then maybe you could learn something."

"Make me listen." He smirked, before Buffy could say anything in defence, Spike had picked up a stick of charcoal and brushed it on Buffy's face until it left a black mark.

"Spike." Buffy squealed and he then did it again. Buffy followed suit and the two were then rolling around painting black marks on each other. Buffy tried to win the fight by pinning Spike on his back; she failed and ended up getting pinned herself. They both stared into each other's eyes. Spike pressed his lips to hers and kissed her softly.

_I felt so happy after that, Spike had admitted afterwards that he asked me to tutor him, not because he needed it, but because he wanted to talk to me and was too embarrassed to talk to me at school. I became a popular, and realised that they weren't as bad as I first thought. they treated me like a person, not somebody who needed to be punished for everything. I still carried on punishing myself though, Giles also carried on punishing me. I didn't let it get me down when I was with Spike though, nothing got me down then. We wasn't going out, we just held hands and kissed. One winter, when it snowed really heavily, I can remember me and him walking down the street together, hand in hand. It was so romantic. It was like something from a movie. I felt guilty for enjoying myself with him._

_I'm a waste of space, someone who hurts everyone else around her. I had it break it off with Spike, to save him the pain I would bring him. It was so hard to do._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Buffy knocked impatiently on the door and waited, pacing the steps. Moments later, the door opened to reveal Spike's smiling face and perfect cheek bones.

"Morning love, what brings you knockin' on my door at this time?" he asked placing a kiss on the top of her head.

"I need to talk to you." Buffy replied, inviting her way into Spike's house.

"My folks are out." He said shutting the door, then turned back towards the young blonde he had grown fond of, "What you want to talk about then love?"

"I can't do this anymore." Buffy said after a few moments of silence.

"Do what?"

"You and me, I can't do it." Spike looked hurt.

"May I ask why?" he spoke slowly.

"Spike," Buffy caressed his cheek with tears rolling down her face. She continued, "I can't tell you everything. But you have to believe me when I say it's for the best." She paused, "I don't want to hurt you Spike. And by us being together, I am."

_I really couldn't tell him everything. I knew that if I did he would blame me; he would hate me that I let it happen. He seemed madder that I didn't tell him. He looked hurt that I didn't trust him enough to share everything with him. So, I swallowed my pride and told him everything anyway. i told him every detail, sobbed in his arms, then continued to tell him. It felt good, surprisingly, to get it of my chest. I thought he would hate me for it, but he didn't. He understood and told me it wasn't my fault. More importantly, I believed him, for a little while anyway. That soon changed, everything did. An even bigger guilt came back sooner than I had anticipated. I lost two years of my life that night. I haven't spoken a word since, not to anyone. You see, that night, I killed two people, and drove another person close to my heart to hate me._

"I'm coming in with you." Spike announced from the car.

"No, you can't." said Buffy, "I'll be okay."

"Buffy, I love you and I'm not letting this guy rape my girl, you've put up with enough already." Spike said kissing Buffy softly on the lips and catching a lone tear form falling.

"You love me?" Buffy asked. The peroxide blonde nodded.

"Yeah, I love you pet." He said and caught her lips with his.

"I love you too." The couple smiled.

"Come on, I'm coming in with you, we're getting you're stuff and getting out of there. Then we will call the police."

_Our plan sounded so great, don't you think? To run away together, leave all of this behind us. Leave Sunnydale behind us. Giles wasn't home and neither was my mom. We would sneak off, call the police, then go. I would finally he rid of the nightmares of him coming into my bedroom each night. Of his hands all over me, touching me in places no guy should without consent. It didn't stop him thought, never did._

_The plan me and Spike had was great, well it would have been, if it had gone all to plan. Instead it all went horribly wrong._

"Okay, pack only what you need." Spike said keeping his eye on the window while Buffy went upstairs. Buffy began to throw things into a bag, tears rolling down her eyes as she did so. However, she wore a smile on her face the whole time. Then, something caught her attention in the far corner; she walked over to find a picture, a picture of Joyce and herself. The smile faded for a second and she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Here's to a new life." Buffy said placing the photo on her bed. She then made her way back to Spike, before one last check to see if she had everything.

Suddenly, Buffy heard a noise that chilled her to the bone.

_The noise went through every nerve in my body. I could have sworn it was a gun shot, but that was stupid, the only person downstairs was Spi… then I ran. I dropped my bad as I did so. When I reached the living room, the sight was horrifying. Blood, on the wall, on the floor, and then on Spike. He lay motionless. Then, there was Giles. Stood over him, gun in hand, smirking at his handy work._

"Spike." Buffy screamed and ran over to her lover.

She slapped his face to wake him up. His eyes opened slowly and he began to cough, drops of blood formed on the edges of his mouth. The life was being sucked out of him in front of Buffy.

"I love you." Spike gasped. Buffy pressed her lips to his cold lips.

_When I looked at him, he was gone. I felt so guilty; I couldn't keep him warm anymore._

Giles looked down at the mess he had created. He ripped off his belt. This time, Buffy didn't flinch, she did nothing. It was almost as if she was letting him do this to her. He pulled her up by the arm and dragged her over to the couch. There, he raped her.

_I guess I couldn't do anything about it, I couldn't move. I just let him._

Rupert Giles was truly evil. He rung the police and told them that Spike had tried to harm him and his step-daughter. Buffy had to go along with it. She wept as she stared at his body. He was so cold.

"I told you never to invite people over, look what you've done." Giles smirked. Buffy saw red, then flipped.

_I didn't mean to do it. The guy drove me to it. No one else thinks that though, I guess that's why I'm writing this, to get my side of the story across. Most of what happened was my fault, I'm not denying that, but doing this next act, was self defence, I deserved to be free of him, right? I could've stopped, just scared him, but I didn't I carried on. I saw the gun beside Spike. I picked it up. He laughed in my face, dared me to do it. I did. I shot him, not just once. Until there was no more round in the gun. I would have shot him once, only he kept coming towards me. I had to do it. He fell to the floor the second my mom walked in._

Joyce stared in shock horror. Buffy dropped the gun and rocked like a mental person.

"What have you done?" Joyce screamed at her daughter.

"Didn't want to go to school, why do I have to mummy? It's not fair." Buffy said, almost as if she was the little six year old girl she once was, who didn't want to go to school.

Joyce called the police, and soon enough they came and took her away.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_After the trial they threw me in this place and drugged me up. Sunnydale mental hospital for the criminally insane. I've spent two years here and the time has come to get out. I'm not breaking out and they sure as hell aren't letting me go to live the rest of my life in freedom. No, I'm going to take my life. A mental hospital is no place for a young woman who just wanted freedom from being raped every night by her step-father. All I wanted was to get away form him, that wasn't so much to ask for was it? I guess so since I'm paying for it. I can't carry on living here, so this is my suicide letter. Feel free to do what you like with it. _

_One last thing I would like to say before I go to the place all sinners go, is 'sorry.' sorry to my mom, to Spike's family, to everyone who has ever had to misfortune of knowing me and last of all, sorry to Giles. I'm not sorry I shot you, you deserved that, I'm just sorry you were so sick as to rape a young girl and kill William aka Spike. Well, I guess now me and you will be spending more time with each other, I'll keep you company, and make sure you get what you deserve. _

_I know it's too late to apologise now, it's too late for me too. It's 5.30 now, when the night guards come in at 6.00, they will cut me down from the window pole which I will be hanging from. _

_Last of all, sorry mom. I know you wanted a daughter to be proud of, but that isn't me. I heard about little Dawnie, she's two now. I hope she grows up to be a doctor or a lawyer, hopefully nothing like her big sister. I'm sorry you had a disappointment like me, but it was him mom, he changed me. I hope you are happy with your new guy, Ethan Rayne, sounds like a great guy. Anyway, I must go now, it's too late for me._

_Goodbye._

Buffy put down the pen and paper, tied the rope around her neck and stood on the chair, then, she let herself fall.

At 6.00pm, the night guards came and cut her down. They found a piece of paper, a suicide note.

…………

Joyce sat at home and put her feet up after the long day of work she had just got back from. Little Dawn was in bed so she tuck the time before she woke up to rest a while.

"Hey honey, post is here." Ethan said handing her some letters. Joyce flicked through them and found a strange one.

She opened it and read, her face turned pale as she did.

"What's wrong?" Ethan asked. Joyce showed him the letter that began like this…..

_The feeling inside. What is it? Is it sorrow, happiness, guilt? Nobody knows. It touches us all in some way, it comes in many forms be it sorrow or happiness. It touched me with guilt. Exactly two years ago, something happened to me. A few things actually. The feeling inside isn't just one feeling, it's many, many different ones that leave you feeling confused. It left me feeling like an empty shell. Something happened to me two years ago, something which I am now still paying for. I have lost two years of my life because of one person and many different feelings. Feelings of guilt over something that I let happen. Here's where it all started….._


End file.
